And the world spins madly on...
Laundry imitates life.
Among the many unusual aspects of raising six kids is the remarkable pounding they exert on appliances. In the past year or so, we’ve burned out a washer, a water heater, a dishwasher, a septic pump (courtesy of a single carelessly flushed feminine product I affectionately call the Golden Tampon), an AC condenser, and even a toaster. But, by far, most impressive is burning out two, yes two, clothes dryers in the past 53 weeks. This timing is important because it places the assault outside the warranty period by exactly one week. Now, I’m not even sure how you break a dryer because I tried to perform surgery on the latest victim, a glistening white Maytag, and discovered that there’s almost nothing to them. A circuit board, a small motor, a metal drum and a few wires. Simple. Imagine irreparably breaking a rolling pin. A dryer is almost that simple. Yet we’ve done it, twice, since 2023 began.
One thing that every suburban dad knows is that the world’s best profession is orthodontist. But the second best is dryer repairman. Because these guys figured out how to charge $4 less than the cost of a brand new dryer, no matter what repair you require. I’m 100% certain my orthodontist and dryer repairman summer together on the Vineyard, courtesy of me. But this second time around, I’m not falling for it. I’m going commercial.
The trip to the appliance store was humiliating. I asked for the best available model and the guy pointed to a mid-priced model, no different than you’d see at your local Home Depot.
Me: “Are you absolutely sure this is the best dryer there is?”
Salesman: Scanning me head to toe. “Yes, this is the one you want.”
Me: “I’ll be the judge of that. I’ve done my homework and I want to see the Speed Queen.”
Salesman: “Sir, look, the Speed Queen is the finest machine on the market but…” Looking me over again. “No offense, but it’s three times the price of any other dryer!”
Me: “Silence! Take me to her at once!”
Ushering me to a room I can only describe as the appliance store equivalent of the roped off high limit room in a Vegas casino, he granted me an audience with her royal highness. And I must say, she didn’t look like much - kinda like a laundromat dryer without the coin box. But don’t underestimate her unrelenting capacity to remove moisture from your garments.
And I may not look like much either. But don’t underestimate my unrelenting willingness to spend my way out of a hassle.