Teach the children well

There might be more to learn from alcohol than from college.

We took my daughter college hunting last week.  It was horrible.  I wrote some time back about why I have so little regard for colleges. Oh, I love the idea of “College” in the abstract – the academic commitment, learning about people outside the 3-mile radius of your hometown, being out on your own.  All good.  But colleges are an altogether different matter than College.  They are the imperfect delivery system for all the good stuff that you learn from College.  They are like riding middle seat coach between two large Samoans on your way to Maui.  That is, if middle seat coach to Maui cost $300,000.  Colleges almost ruin College.

But the prospect of our oldest leaving the nest has me thinking about gaps.  There are most certainly gaps in what she knows of the world.  One gap that occurs to me is social class.  I have a theory that goes like this.  Cultured people know things, important things, about the world.  Knowing these things is a signal to other cultured people that you are one of them.  And when you have a bunch of cultured people in your orbit, better life options present themselves.  This isn’t random.  It’s a pattern but it’s so subtle and often misunderstood.  And if you are aware of it, you may be able to hack your way to a better life.

So I decided to test my theory at a restaurant last night.  And since the window to tell my daughter anything that she’ll accept has long since closed, I instead model the things I’d like her to know.   

I asked the waitress politely, “Can your bartender mix a proper daquiri?” 

Daughter (utterly aghast): “Dad, you’re ordering a slurpee?  This is a nice place.  So embarrassing.  Mom…”

Me: “Oh no, my dear. The daquiri is a classic, the rival of any cocktail on Earth and favored by Hemingway himself!”

Daughter: “No it’s not, it’s a red slurpee.  And who’s Hemingway?  You mean Chris Hemsworth?”

When that beautiful cocktail arrived, a perfect chilled mix of lime and rum and syrup with just a trace of grapefruit juice, her fears of social exile quickly evaporated.  And, I think, a valuable lesson in culture thus imparted.  But I was left wondering to myself “Who’s Chris Hemsworth?”

We all have gaps.