The Brat Test

How to stop Starbucks, Skittles, and Louisville Slugger from ruining everything

I can’t tell if the whole world is richer now than it was in 1983.  That’s the sort of thing eggheads in universities love to argue about.  But I know that the kids around me now live richer than the kids around me did back then.  And richer scares me.

Travel sports and trips to the beach and Starbucks.  These are the images that visit me at night.  A wallet-draining nightmare.  In the clear morning light though, a more philosophical version of the question jumps to mind.  What should be our goal in raising the kids? 

Is it to give our kids more than we had?  I hear this all the time. What a load!  Definitely NOT my goal.  In fact, that might even be the opposite of my goal. 

Maybe the goal is to help them get into a “great college.”  I wish this were a podcast instead of an article so you could hear how loud I’m laughing at this one.  Hilarious.  NOT my goal.

So it must be that the goal of parenting is for the kids to be “happy.”  I’m not in the habit of setting impossible goals, so let’s strike this one from the list.  I know what an unhappy kid is.  And that’s not good.  But a happy one?  No idea what that even means.  NOT my goal.

Something this important, this fundamental, this expensive and I can’t even figure what we’re shooting for!  Here’s the best I can come up with.  Give them as little as possible but just enough so that they bloom into productive citizens. 

OK, sounds nice.   But how do you know, in the moment, if you’re giving them too much?  I designed a test!

Two times a year I want you to do the following.  When your kids ask for something that you normally say yes to, just say no.  Could be a ride somewhere, some Skittles in the checkout line at Home Depot, another 10 minutes on the iPhone, whatever.  Then watch carefully.  If they accept no, congratulations!  Your kids are properly calibrated.  If not, time for an expectation adjustment.  Twice a year.  Any more than that seems cruel and arbitrary.  But any less and the lesson won’t stick.

You might wonder how this goes over in my family.  And the answer is awful.  I mean, truly awful. I’ve been screamed at, punched, and hated on.  But probably better they get that out now than letting the travel coach or barista have all the fun.