The Newtonian physics of idiotic decisions

I don’t want the world. I just want your half.

~ They Might Be Giants

It’s hard to be a practitioner and a philosopher at the same time. An orthopedist probably doesn’t think much about why the hell the guy sitting in his office climbed that ladder in the first place. A Vegas roulette dealer probably doesn’t ask himself why this poor sap would bet it all on black.

But when it comes to being a dad, I’m consumed with the question why. Why don’t you kids ever flush the toilet? Why are you still standing here with mouths agape and hollow stares after I invited you, politely, to take out the trash?

Neuroscience probably has some answers here but my guess is they overcomplicate it. My own scientific study says that there are three laws that explain my kids’ otherwise inexplicable choices.

1. Naked self-interest.

2. Screwing up their siblings, especially when those siblings are peaceful.

3. Provoking their mom into using unbelievably bad words, sometimes in elaborate combination.

All his mom wanted to do was take a nice picture. He decided instead to play dominoes. This was a real beauty in that the subject demonstrates all three laws with one action.

The physics of this thing is interesting, full of predictable actions and reactions. Law #1 is zero-sum. You are holding the last dinner roll. I want it. Too bad for you.

Law #2 is additive. I don’t really want the last dinner roll, but you look like you do, so I’m going to take it. Then you’ll overreact, provoke me into a fight, and get in trouble for that. You’re both hungry and punished while I gloat, feasting at your expense.

Law #3 is compounding. Not only is there a huge payoff in the moment watching an adult absolutely lose it, but anytime I use those same words and get caught, how much trouble am I really going to be in? Long term gain!

The point to parents I’m trying to make is that when you understand the underlying patterns here - that the very laws of physics tilt against you - you can stop trying so hard. WHY did you do that to your brother? is as useless a question as WHY did gravity make me fall off this ladder?